The last thing that I expected would be helping me peel back another layer of self-worth healing would be a health emergency.
Five months ago as some of you know, I fainted one morning causing me to endure a double head injury and then a first-time grand mal seizure shortly after. I will never forget the feeling of pain that traveled across my brain right before seizing, and the clear level of stress, straining, and striving I was feeling in my body and mind the day of that I suddenly became aware of as I came to.
When I think back on the time leading up to my accident, there was a slow but steady building of forceful and urgent energy that was taking over my being as I strived to balance a full-time doctorate program, my usual health and wellness routine, occasional social outings, a relationship, a garden, nature time, and some semblance of a spiritual connection. The morning I fainted I was planning out in my head how I could get all the errands done that I wanted/needed to in order to prepare for school starting up again the next week. I had also just returned from a solo vacation to Hawaii where I admittedly and sadly struggled to truly slow down and relax. I remember feeling stressed and rushed during it knowing that I had one week to see and do what I wanted, as well as anticipated another fast paced school quarter to start up again once I got back.
From this, what has become painfully clear is that there is a very sneaky way that subtle inner criticism, perfectionism, and over-achieving patterns can make their way into one’s system and begin to take over. Their driving force? For me, it was my sense of self worth being tied up in always doing the “best” and the “most” because I am a driven person with a lot of energy, have a lot to give, as well as have big passions and dreams. I have become very clear about the parts of myself that have always looked to do more, and do everything in the best and fastest way.
In 2018 I thought I had healed my relationship with perfectionism and overachieving when I left a previous fashion career and life in NYC. I left the hustle culture behind and rearranged my life in a completely new way and slowed down exponentially. But to my recent surprise, old habits of striving and over-achieving began to sneak their way back in as I struggled to manage my schedule as a grad student. Why was this coming back? What had I missed? One thing was definitely the unsustainable pacing and schedule that higher academia sets one up for.
Another as I’ve realized, has been deeper layers of my self worth calling to be healed. I realized once again that I was still placing my worthiness on the basis of how much I could do, achieve, and accomplish. A more holistic lifestyle, a spiritual path, and a Master’s degree in psychology still can’t save you from the wrath of what drives you to feel seen, important, and worthy of attention, care, and love.
So from this recent wake-up call, I’ve taken that same drive and passion and have pointed it inwards. I’ve been getting curious and humble about who I am without my accomplishments. I’ve been getting clearer on what my actual purpose is and how that has more to do with who I am, and less to do with what I do. I’ve been feeling into deep grief and loss about previous versions of myself that I had set out to actualize, and the recent false version of myself that I was striving towards. I released everything I could, and have allowed myself to rest, stop, and let go.
I started by taking the first three months after my accident to purely focus on my health and healing. I paused school for the quarter, canceled holiday travel plans, stayed at home, slept a ton, sought out various healing modalities, snuggled with my cat, received support from loved ones near and far, spent time in nature, brought this experience deep into my therapy, journaled, and cried. I suffered through concussion symptoms, multiple panic attacks worrying about having another seizure, and experienced drastic hormonal changes from the stress as a result. I researched and studied high sensitivity and found a new understanding of myself from it. I completed multiple follow-up tests, everything from an EEG to a heart monitor trying to get to the bottom of why I had a seizure or fainted in the first place.
Thank the goddess and the stars above, no physical reasons were found in my beautiful and intelligent body. Instead, its own ability to finally speak up and say “enough is enough”, was enacted. I’ve taken this opportunity to really listen, and have vowed since to include my body’s intelligence as a top priority moving forward.
Since those first few months, I have continued to rest, slow down, and I’m grateful to report that my body is slowly regaining balance and strength, my nervous system is becoming more regulated, and my brain more grounded and clear. I’ve been diving deep into healing my patterns of overdoing and rushing and I’m focused on rebuilding how to pursue my passions and purpose from an integrated, balanced, slooooow, grounded, majority feminine energetic, and somatically informed place. I am learning to embody my authentic worth from a deep knowing of and connection to it, not from continuously striving to achieve it. That also has looked like pausing my doctorate program for an entire juicy year to deeply reevaluate it and that path, and to also let myself finally land and arrive.
I’m letting myself pause to fully recognize and embody all that I’ve already accomplished, learned, and developed personally and professionally. I’m finally putting my full attention and heart into this work I’ve been doing for the last 4 years that I get immense joy and fulfillment from, without the distraction of school and the feeling that I should always be doing more.
In short, I’m letting myself be truly enough, just as I am.
I will always be a person who values continuous learning and growth, but I also know more deeply now that my sense of worth is the foundation of my being, not something I have to earn. I’m learning once again that it truly comes down to prioritizing the beauty of one’s process, and not the end result in all areas of life.
Needless to say, I have been learning a lot about self worth and the many unconscious layers that are involved in healing one’s relationship to it. I’m excited to share what I’ve been learning with you all and even more passionate about helping others heal their own relationship with their worth.
Thanks for reading about this journey and if you relate, I hope it helps you feel less alone. To each of you on your path, you are enough and I celebrate you, just as you are <3